my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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