Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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