you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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