tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
