wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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