When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just gift wrapped bread.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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