She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
