Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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