Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
