I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
