90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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