I will die if light touches me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
