Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
