it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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