Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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