dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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