as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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