At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
