dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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