What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
