I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
