Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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