I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
