You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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