It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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