My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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