I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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