I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
