so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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