Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
