a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
