My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
