we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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