sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
