we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
