im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
