He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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