Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
