He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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