I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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