Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
a search helicopter?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
