the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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