The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
