My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
