If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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