She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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