My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
