i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
