I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
