Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
try to milk me bitch
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